to be forgotten

perhaps the greatest tragedy to befall a human life

all of the joy and love, all of the pain and suffering, all of the memories, all of the contributions, all of the work

erased 

as if those experiences never occurred, never meant anything to anyone

how many are there?

the forgotten certainly outnumber the remembered

terrifying

the possibility of living an entire life only to be forgotten

comforted

only in the knowledge that energy inhabits all of us 

and 

energy 

does

not

die

april deacon

Europa!

Im about to go on a 3 month  Europe Concert tour next week with the Philippine Madrigal Singers...



Let me just say that once again.



Im about to go on a 3 month Europe Concert tour next week with the Philippine Madrigal Singers.




OH MY GOD. I just came back from our Singapore concert 3 days ago and next week I'm flying to Europe.


I find the thought a bit hard to digest.


Sometimes the thought really doesnt sink in because its kind of overwhelming that this is all happening to me. Who wouldve thought... Me? I havent really identified myself as a singer as I've been trained half of my life as a pianist. Singing only came secondary to me as I was required in my course to finish a minor in voice and attend 6 units of chorus class. I am still learning and learning a lot and above all, Im loving it. <3

I may not show my enthusiasm on the surface but deep down, I am just so honored. I honestly dont know what I did to have the opportunity to sing with such a great choir.

 Sometimes people would ask me, "Are you excited to go to Europe?!", and I go, "Yeah... a little."
I guess other concerns are also playing in my mind like studying and memorizing scores. But when I really really think about it, its all a bit too much to take in.

 Like if I were to tell my highschool self  "Cel, in the not so far future, you will be travelling around the world with the best choir in the Philippines", I probably would toy  with the thought bu then probably dismiss it after a day or two. Heck, I didnt even know then that I would be a piano student of UP College of Music. Back then, I was choosing between English Lit., Management Economics as pre-law, or Piano Performance.

 It really is unfortunate to have to choose at such an early age what you want to do for the rest of your life because even at this point, I still don't know what I'm going to do with my life and I'm still in the process of discovering. Maybe this is it. I'm going to sing to the world. I'm happy though that I chose music though sometimes I try to look back and think where I'd be  now if I chose to pursue Management Economics in Ateneo. I'd probably be in an office cubicle, computing, analyzing numbers and stuff. Or studying my brains off in law school. Yeah...I'm glad I chose music. If only for the opportunity to join the Madz, I'd pick music all over again, but I'd probably take up voice instead of piano.

We leave Sunday next week (And I honestly dont know where we are going) and I'm just at lost with what to pack and bring as this s my first time to travel around Europe, more so with a very prestigious choir.

So obviously I have a lot to learn with this troubadour lifestyle. I've made a general list of things I need to bring in Europe and heres what I have so far.

VERY IMPORTANT (I can forget everything except these):
Passport and ticket
Costumes, shoes and Accesories and Make up kit
Madz Shirts
Music Scores

IMPORTANT
Toiletries (shampoo, soap, toothbrush, toothpaste, deo, sunblock?, cotton buds, tissue, sanitary napkins etc)
Medicines (Alerta, biogesic, decolgen)

Clothes - how many and what kind?
Jeans - how many?
Jacket/coat - what kind? what fabric?
Boots, slippers, rubber shows, black flats
swimwear?

Gadgets:
Cellphone, laptop, itouch, CAMERA! and their respective chargers, of course.


Hmmm what else? I think I have most of them I just need to go shopping for:

Boots
Contact lenses and solution
New jeans
La Boca Jeans
Underwear and sleep wear
A new LAPTOP - Im hoping people who read this post (though I know I only of one reader, Cat de Leon, who is my only follower in blogspot. hahah) can suggest any brand and efficient model for a musician's laptop. Initially I wanted Apple but I decided its too pricey for my erratic monthly income from teaching and gigs...which by the way I'm about to leave behind.

Yes. I'm about to become jobless! Im finalizing my lessons with my students and transferring them to my old piano teacher. Slowly breaking the news to the parents and kids. :-( But cest la vie. There come a time when I will settle with a stable job and place of my own, perhaps a music school, but now, I must exhaust all the marrow of life and enjoy youth's vitality! And Madz is the perfect place to be to grow and experience life.



Hmmmm what else? Lets see.


Oh yeah - note to self: MUST LOSE WEIGHT BEFORE EUROPE. Ive gained since we started touring, and thats not even Europe! Project sexiness is back for the Nth time and lets hope I succeed. I have one week left. HAHA. Lets do this!

I'm about to meet up with Ate Jacq in awhile to giver her my costume for some further embroidery. Its already 5:20. I should start getting ready.


Bye

My Fathers Day

Last night, my brothers and I were eating dinner with our dad. Its been awhile since we've had dinner with him. Things have changed a bit ever since my mom has stopped talking to him which was two months ago. Also, Ive been busy with rehearsals with Madz and I come home late so theres really no opportunity to have dinner with him. Actually, its not always the rehearsals that have  kept me from being at home by 8. I sometimes have dinner or dessert with one or two friends. I take advantage of the fact that my dad knows rehearsals end in the evening but doesnt know exactly what time. Only but a few of my friends know what happens if I come home late other than for 'business'/relevant purposes. 

I've been wanting to tell him for almost a week that I've been casted to go to Indonesia and Malaysia with the Madrigal Singers. Been asking my mom and brother how I'll tell him and when I would tell him. Being in the perfect setting of us having a peaceful(more of silent) 'family' dinner, I decided I would tell him last night. I took a deep breath and a spoonful of rice on my plate.

"Daddy, pupunta po ang Madrigal sa Indonesia. Na-cast po ako para doon."

and then silence. Im not sure if I heard a grunt.

"Aalis po ng June 25."

And he kept eating his meal as though I said nothing and continued to watch the CNN news as though he were very immersed in it.

The last time I was going out of the country was when I played for the MCHS Glee Club for the World Choir Games in China 2 years ago. He went as far as calling the assistant principal to make sure the weather there was in good condition and he demanded to know what the state of the weather was.(He heard from CNN news that parts of China were flooded.) If he had no decent answer, he wouldnt let me go. He even asked if the other parents knew what the state of China was and even hinted to cancel the whole thing. He was assured for more than 3 times that we were going to a place in China that didnt get hit by the storm. The assistant principal called me and said that if my dad was that worried, they would prefer not to take me with them to China. That was just days before our flight. I was 23.

Now you can imagine how much it was of a shock to have silence as an answer. Nothing. It's fascinating how nothing can mean more than it was intended to mean. I take it that he has given up on reprimanding and questioning me. To tell you the truth, I'm kind of happy about it. That he stopped scolding me and questioning things I do. But sort of sad in a way that he doesnt care. But between being overly protective, paranoid and sometimes distrustful, or him not caring, I no doubt prefer the latter. There's so much drama and tears involved when I am questioned like a suspect in a court hearing, specially when I am usually just an innocent bystander. 


So today incidentally, is the commercial fathers day and I have mixed feelings about it. I greeted him this morning and he grunted or made a grunt-like noise to acknowledge. My Kuya bought a Parker pen as a gift and left it on the sala table for him to see. I read the card and it wrote:

Daddy,
happy fathers day. TY for the guidance, support and lve (you can barely see the "O" on my brothers scribbled handwriting.)
JB, Maricel, Ben and Jojo

Nice going. Not a hint of emotion or sentimentality. I don't know if my dad read it since until now he hasnt opened the gift.

We ordered Savory for lunch since my mom said he liked it. And my dad had our youngest brother buy Crispy pata, Kare kare and sisig for dinner. It was just weird, our fathers day. No one talked around him and if anyone did, only in soft and short phrases, or audible whispers.

I spent most of my day reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" and then sleeping until 5pm. I played tonight for the mass and I was happy that the presiding priest today was Fr. Jboy Gonzales. I have always loved his sermons because it's always thought provoking and makes you reflect on your life or the relevant happenings and issues in our society. Tonight's sermon was no different. He said that if there is one thing we should remember in his sermon for the whole mass, it is this:


Awe and Wonder.


From there he related it the gospel of Mark and then somehow transitioned to fathers day and narrated some of his experiences with his father and as a father - in a priestly sense, of course. He said something like, 'tonight, lets us look at our fathers the way we look at the stars - with awe and wonder.'

And I thought of my dad. I've always looked at him with something close to awe and wonder. Confusion. There were so many things I did not agree and understand about him. Generation gap, culture gap, philosophical gap, gender gap, perspective gap, personality gap. You name it, we got it.

 I would like to make my father wrong and point out all his mistakes in this blog entry but that is unbecoming of a daughter who has a father who has provided for her well and tried to raise her perhaps the best way he knew how. I am still grateful to be his daughter despite everything. I will instead say this. My father is not perfect, and I know I am not perfect, and if everybody just accepted that then maybe we can leave them as they are and we can all learn from our own mistakes and imperfections. No one can change you but yourself. I believe that is what I want my dad to realize. That he can't change us by scolding us or pointing out all our mistakes and flaws to our faces and saying sharp words that only pull our spirits down instead of inspiring us.

But then I realized, it is also something I have yet to learn. I can't change my father. He is the way he is because his own experiences, good and bad. And it is unfair if I expect him to change and not change myself. We must meet somewhere in the middle. But right now, we are on opposite ends. Maybe silence is that best solution for now. Because maybe in silence, you can hear yourself more and your hear others more. And if not, silence just lets you be.

So I guess his silence was probably the best response. I'm glad he is letting me be, regardless whether he cares or not. But I'd like to think he cares even just a little bit. Maybe in time, we will see things the same way. But for now, silence. Waiting and silence.


Happy fathers day, Daddy. I hope you are happy because despite everything, you deserve to be happy.

Quarter Life

I am about to turn 25 in an hour.

Wow. Im 25. I cant believe it. Thank you Lord for making me live on this Earth for 25 years!

So far, in my life of 25 years, here are some realizations Ive gotten (or not have gotten ) out of life.

1. I still havent found the meaning of life. By far, all ive got is this:.... crickets.

Maybe it doesnt matter. Maybe thinking too much over it may be losing me time to really figure it out. Maybe all that matters is I live at the moment and exhaust its value in the best way I know possible and perhaps eventually, I will know the answer. Who knows.



2. I still havent found the secret to happiness. I still dont believe its a choice. How can you choose to be happy? It doesnt make sense to me. Like, if a loved on dies, can you choose to be happy? If your hormones are fluctuating and you have some sort of biochemical imbalance in your brain which causes you to be depressed, can you choose to be happy? If misfortune strikes, can you choose to be happy?  Emotions i believe are involuntary impulses which react and vary depending on the stimuli. I mean, if we can choose to be happy, why in the world are there people who commit suicide? Why are there people who are clinically depressed? Why is there so much unhappiness and discontent everywhere all around the world?

I may not have found the ultimate secret to happiness but I think I have an idea of it. Its still vague though.Its another topic which requires another blog entry.

All I am certain of right now is that what really really makes me  happy is my family. To me, knowing that everyone in my family is in good condition, happy and ALIVE is enough to make me happy even in the worst of days. Everything can go and I'll manage as long as I have them with me. I thank God EVERYDAY for them. I am not a religious person and I have my qualms about my faith but in any case, whether there is a God (which Id like to believe there is) or not, how can I not be grateful for such a family? Yes I despise them sometimes... many times actually, but despite that, I love my parents and brothers with all my heart. Special mention to my mother who is my bestfriend, my ally, my confidant and so much more.

Second are my small but very tight circle of friends. Good Lord, what do I do without them. They are pieces of my soul and when I am in their company, I find my true self over and over again. :)

Third thing that makes me happy is music. Sometimes when Im enraptured by it, I find myself asking, how can there not be a God who has made it possible for humans to experience such beauty? Ok, i know it sounds kind of OA...but really. I am just awed. Which is why so much of my time is devoted it. I am just thankful for that I had the opportunity to learn and cultivate this gift and Im thankful that I am still continuing to do so. Thankful for my mom whos supported me ever since the day I asked if I could have piano lessons. She was also the one who signed me up for glee club back in grades 4, when I really just wanted to join the Needle and Thread club and se and prick needles on my fingers.

 Im Thankful for my music teachers. Special mentioin to Maam Quinto, Teacher Princess, Ms Roman, Tita Paz, Ate Bunny and Lola Sally. Im thankful for Ryan Cayabyab, Julie Andrews, Lea Salonga, Cecile Licad,  Leonard Bernstein, Sinatra, Buble, Chopin, Debussy, Brahms, Beethoven, John Williams, Alan Menken, Beatles, Abba, Michael Jackson, and all of my other idols for making the soundtrack of my 25 years. And of course,Im thankful for Sir Mark Carpio and Madz. They are the current soundtrack of my life now. What an honor.

Finally, the last thing that really makes me happy is....good food. I dont think Im an emotional eater. I just really become happy when I eat really really good and tasty food. Its so fun to indulge in them without feeling guilty.Teeheeeeee...

3. What else have I not figured out in may life? I dont understand why SM is ruthlessly destroying our environment and continuing to add ghastly sights of high rise concrete buildings everywhere. Its all about the money...What about nature? "What about us?", ika nga ni Michael Jackson.

 I dont understand why Magnum is such a craze nowadays. I dont understand why they allowed a transvestite to enter Ms. Universe. It should be for natural born women. Imagine how gays would feel if real women entered their pageants? No offense to transvestites, but they belong to a different category. And its not bad to be in a different category. Anyway, im rambling. I just feel that Ms. Universe will lose its integrity if that happens.

I dont know if time travel or time warp is really possible...though they say that if you travel at the speed of light, you can go to the future or something like that. i dont know if we have only this universe or if there are other parallel universes out there or if there are infinite universes out there as some theorists say. I dont know if heaven really exists... or if satan is a being or an energy. Or if we retain our consciousness even after we've passed away. Is our consciousness energy? Where does it come from?

There are many things I do not understand still, in my 25 years and I have yet to discover SO MUCH. So much.

But if theres one thing I really understand, its the Desiderata by Maxx Erhmann. I think all you really need to know in life is encapsulated in this enlightening piece.


Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

The clock has struck 12. Its my birthday and Im 25. Happy birthday to me. :)

Madness and Infinity

I would like to touch you
Like the first gentle stroke of light
Permeating an abysmal space
Delicately, mysteriously.
Gradually embracing every inch of your confusions and insanity
And turning them
into euphoric madness
A madness where answers you seek
Transform to nebula
And persisting questions matter no more.

All that will be left is this moment
As we look at each other
I would see your soul
In those deepset brown eyes,
And you could nakedly see mine.
The answers are there,
Enough to satiate
All of our souls' lament.

There will only be this moment
Where I hear you
Breathing as I breathe.
Calmly, slowly, deeply.
Our chests rise and go down
like an orchestral symphony.
All there exists is this moment
Where I feel your hand clasped to mine
My cheek against your cheek
Our warm bodies intertwined

In this madness we shall share
There is only me and you
and a transient glimpse of infinity.

Year Starter entry.

2011 has been by far, the worst of times, and the greatest of times.

January last year, my uncle, Freddie Vargas, died of lung complications at the age of 64. Five months later,  my other uncle, Louie Vargas, 69, died a few days after a coronary bypass surgery. Both died too soon, both deaths unexpected. It  has been painful for my family, mostly for their own families and my mother, titos and titas,who lost 2 dear brothers within a short span of 5 months. I have never been confronted with the concept of human mortality as nakedly and closely as this. I understood what it meant to be mortal and never have I grasped the value of life and family more tightly than ever. My clearer awareness of the frailness of life under the fickleness of death has changed my outlook and perspective on how to live my life. If anything, it has taught me to show my concern, appreciation and love to people I value.

2011 has been also the year of fulfilling dreams and tapping unfulfilled potential.
I really do believe there is a Being that knows where you want to go, and where you should be and somehow He (or She) manages to find the perfect place for you somewhere in between that. Here are those spaces God found for me.


1. January - I was invited by Choirmaster, Sir Mark Carpio, to train with the Philippine Madrigal Singers. That was just a big WOW moment for me since wow, me? Invited? That was just surreal. It was such a dream come true. Training though has been a musical and emotional rollercoaster. Its completely, totally the opposite of easy. I mean, its the Madrigal Singers after all so what else is there to expect. Though quite challenging, I'm only motivated to put my best foot forward and grow as a musician and maybe even as a person. Right now, I'm playing my life by ear and so far, its been a joy. We'll see where this will take me. :) Thank you, Sir Mark for this really amazing opportunity! :)

2. April - it was made official. I am Ma. Celedonia V. Franco, Bachelor of Music in Piano, cum laude. UP Diliman Graduate, batch 2011. THANK GOD I FRIGGIN FINALLY FINISHED!! After all the love-hate relationship with my course, I finally graduated! Its not really the diploma or the 'title' that I'm really proud of, its the fact that I finished it, after all the sweat, blood (pagnag-gliglissando hehe) tears and hardwork. College was one piece of SHIT on soil. You know, like fertilizer? Hehe. In the end, you could become grass like everyone else, or a weed, or maybe even a blossomed flower if  you were fortunate enough to have great profs and made good use of your time and skills in college. I think I became a tree - stronger and still continuing to grow and bear more flowers and fruits. Thank you to all my profs who taught and supported me all the way!

3. You know how you're a fresh grad and you have no clue what you're gonna do with your life? When theres no more school, its like everything is a blank canvass again and you dont know what the hell to draw or where to start or sometimes, even what the hell to do with it.  Well, the news it, I still worry about that, but only less. Hehe. I found one the things I really love doing.

After graduation, I submitted my resume to some schools in hopes of teaching for the mean time while trying to figure myself out. On the day of my first interview to some school, my high school glee club teacher, Ms. Nancy Roman, who is now the assistant principal for student affairs, texted me and offered me one of my dream jobs - to train an all female choir, in this case, the MCHS liturgical Choir. It was, wow, again! It was so amazing since that was exactly what I wanted, all female and all, but didnt expect to have soon since putting up a group would take time and much effort. And here it was, handed to me, as easy as that. 

I started with MC litchoir last June and will be continuing until the end of the school year. One of the highlights so far was that we won first place last September in the Ecosongfest, an annual inter-school competition they join in. We'll be having a small concert soon and I can't wait! This may be my niche since I really enjoy it, though of course I still have much to learn as a conductor. Thats why its so perfect that I'm also training in Madrigal and who knows, I might take further studies in conducting in the near future. Its so amazing how these things happening to me are pieces puzzling up to make a grand picture. I don't know what it is yet, but I am confident I am being led to that. Thank you Ms. Roman for giving me the chance to fulfill one of my dreams!

I have alot more to be thankful for in 2011. Good health, consistent cash flow more or less through gigs and teaching, GREAT friends, and most importantly, a wonderful and a complete family. My only hope this year is my family stays healthy and happy! I don't know what else I could think of. Love, career, money, travel are only bonuses I guess we all wish to have. I do hope for those too, but in the end, family and loved ones are there to stay, come rain, come shine. Other things will come and go.


Thank you Lord for 2011! May our 2012 be  filled with love and happiness!