Because Advent is a season of waiting... Beautifully written. :)

The Sacrament Of Waiting 
Fr. James Donelan, S.J.


The English poet John Milton wrote that those who serve only also stand and wait. I think I would go further and say that those who wait render the highest form of service. Waiting requires more discipline, more self-control and emotional maturity, more unshakable faith in our cause, more unwavering hope in the future, more sustaining love in our hearts that all the greatest deeds of deering-do go by the name of action.

Waiting is a mystery - a natural sacrament of life - there is a meaning hidden in all the times we have to wait. It must be an important mystery because there is so much waiting in our lives.

Everyday is filled with those little moments of waiting (testing our patience and our nerves, schooling us in self-control.) We wait for meals to be served, for a letter to arrive, for a friend to call or show up for a date. We wait in line at cinemas and theaters, concerts and circuses. Our airline terminals, railway stations and bus depots are great temples of waiting filled with men and women who wait in joy for the arrival of a loved one - or wait in sadness to say goodbye and give the last wave of hand. We wait for springs to come - or autumn - for the rains to begin and stop.

And we wait for ourselves to grow from childhood to maturity. We wait for those inner voices that tell us when we are ready for the next stop.

We wait for graduation, for our first job, our first promotion. We wait for success and recognition. We wait to grow up - to reach the stage where we make our own decisions. We cannot remove this waiting from our lives. It is a part of the tapestry of living - the fabric in which the threads are woven to tell the story of our lives.

Yet current philosophies would have us forget the need to wait "grab all the gusto you can get." So reads one of America's greatest beer ads - get it now! Instant pleasure, instant transcendence. Do not wait for anything. Life is short - eat, drink and be merry because tomorrow you will die. And so they rationalize us into accepting unlicensed and irresponsible freedom - pre-marital sex and extra marital affairs - they warn against attachments and commitments - against expecting anything of anybody, or allowing them to expect anything of us - against dropping any anchors in the currents of our life that will cause us to hold and wait.

This may be the correct prescription for pleasure - but even that is fleeting and doubtful - what was it Shakespeare said about the mad pursuit of pleasure - "Past reason hunted, and once had, past reason hated." Not if we wish to be real human beings, spirit as well as flesh, soul as well as heart, we have to learn to wait. For if we never learn to wait, we will never learn to love someone other than ourselves.

For most of all waiting means waiting for someone else. It is a mystery, brushing by our face everyday like a stray wind of leaf falling from a tree. Anyone who has loved knows how much waiting goes into it - how much waiting is important for love to grow, to flourish through a lifetime.

Why is this? Why can we not have it right now what we so desperately want and need? Why must we wait - two years, three years - and seemingly waste so much time? You might as well ask why a tree should take so long to bear fruit - the seed to flower - carbon to change to diamond.

There is no simple answer - no more than there is to life's other demands - having to say goodbye to someone you love because either you or they have made other commitments; or because they have to grow and find the meaning of their own lives - having yourself to leave home and loved ones to find your own path - good-byes, like waiting, are also sacraments of our lives.

All we know is that growth - the budding, the flowering of love needs patient waiting. We have to give each other a time to grow. There is no way we can make someone else truly love us or we them, except through time. So we give each other that mysterious gift of waiting - of being present without asking demands and rewards. There is nothing harder to do than this. It truly tests the depth and sincerity of our love. But there is life in the gift we give.

So lovers wait for each other - until they can see things the same way - or let each other freely see things in quite different ways.

There are times when lovers hurt each other and cannot regain the balance of intimacy of the way they were. They have to wait - in silence - but still present to each other - until the pain subsides to an ache and then only a memory and the threads of the tapestry can be woven together again in a single love story.

What do we lose when we refuse to wait; when we try to find shortcuts through life - when we try to incubate love and rush blindly and foolishly into a commitment we are neither mature nor responsible enough to assume? We lose the hope of truly loving or of being loved. Think of all the great love stories of history and literature - isn't it of their very essence that they are filled with this strange but common mystery - that waiting is part of the substance - the basic fabric against which the story of that true love is written.


How can we ever find either life or true love if we are too impatient to wait for it?

Reflections

I read a quote recently that said " if you ever find the fortune of finding the way of life you love, you have to have the courage to live it"

That sort of answers the internal conflict I have been having lately. I guess most people my age are going through this stage of searching and questioning yourself. Am I heading the right path? How will this affect me five years or so from now? How can I succeed? Is there something more in store for me if I do this? Should I even continue this? If yes, why? If no, where will I go and what will I do next?

I believe I am one of those fortunate ones who have found the way of life I want to live. I love my job as a conductor and I love being a trainee of one of the best choirs in the world. I love teaching students who are very enthusiastic to learn. I love learning and making music. I love having gigs every now and then. I love that despite everything that I'm doing, I can still find time to blog, Facebook or twitter. I love that I more or less am in control of my time and each day Is always different from the other and everyday, I learn something new. I love performing every no and then, despite the pressure. The lifestyle I have now is perfect for me... If only it could pay for my bills and eventually sustain a family, I could live this kind of life probably my whole lifetime. It's very fulfilling. Very stressful, but fulfilling.

I wish we lived in a world where we can all find and do whatever we were meant to become without having to think of earning enough. I wish we we could all be whatever we were meant to become. But the world isn't as ideal as that and as the quote said, one must find the courage to live the life you love in a very imperfect world.

One must have the courage. Meaning, it is not easy for we have so many fears and doubts.

Until now I still bear those fears and doubts. But Im doing it anyway, I don't know. Right now, I'm simply enjoying the ride.

Thoughts on Dreams and Finding Peace

I know I should be memorizing scores now but given this rare instance that I am inspired to write, I must write.


Ive recently come across a blog entry of Paulo Coelho about "The 3 Symptoms of Killing our Dreams".

As I was reading the essay, I agreed and was inspired with everything he said until I read the 3rd symptom. It made me think twice about its validity for me, at least philosophically. Heres what it said:

"And, finally, the third symptom of the passing of our dreams is peace. Life becomes a Sunday afternoon; we ask for nothing grand, and we cease to demand anything more than we are willing to give. In that state, we think of ourselves as being mature; we put aside the fantasies of our youth, and we seek personal and professional achievement. We are surprised when people our age say that they still want this or that out of life. But really, deep in our hearts, we know that what has happened is that we have renounced the battle for our dreams – we have refused to fight the Good Fight."
  
I was a bit bothered by his bold statement. What is he saying? That those mothers who have given up dreams to rear children up have refused to fight the good fight? Or those fathers who labor 24/7 in blue collared jobs in order to feed their families have renounced the battle for their dreams? Sometimes, ones dreams may not be in line with what the world calls and needs us to do - but does that mean one has refused to fight the good fight? Should we put them one on the category of "people who have renounced their dreams and didnt fight the good fight" and perceive them as quitters and throw a pitiful eye on them? Sometimes renouncing ones dreams is not even an act of cowardice but an act of selflessness - because one knows there are things more important than his own desires.


"When we renounce our dreams and find peace, we go through a short period of tranquility. But the dead dreams begin to rot within us and to infect our entire being.
We become cruel to those around us, and then we begin to direct this cruelty against ourselves. That’s when illnesses and psychoses arise. What we sought to avoid in combat – disappointment and defeat – come upon us because of our cowardice.
And one day, the dead, spoiled dreams make it difficult to breathe, and we actually seek death. It’s death that frees us from our certainties, from our work, and from that terrible peace of our Sunday afternoons"


Does this really apply to all? Is he saying that those who do not fight for their dreams will end up being bitter and cruel? Does our life revolve around solely on our dreams? Arent people different? There are those who are ambitious and find contentment in success and there are those who are easily content and find happiness in simple moments. Both are good but neither one is better than the other.

What is it really in dreams that we are so desperate to achieve them? Is it the dream itself or is there something common that we all desire hidden behind different dreams? Will fulfilling our dreams really make us happy?


What is wrong with Sunday afternoons? What is wrong with asking for nothing grand? What is wrong with simplicity? More importantly, what is wrong with being at peace with how life turned out to be? Is it not finding peace the ultimate dream? Some people have had their dreams come true and yet are far from the rays of peace. Will fulfilling our dreams make us really happy?  At the end of the day, when you've done and achieved so much, do you not wish for that peaceful Sunday afternoon? I think more than dreams, we all share the common desire of finding peace and happiness. Pursuing our dreams may be an avenue to finding happiness but it is not the only way. There is more to life than ambition and dreams. There ais love, there is responsibility, there is compassion and there is finding peace where ever point you are in your life. Not everyone will fight for, can fight for and will reach their dreams. But we can always find peace and happiness in the end. And that I believe is what we all must strive to achieve.


Authors note: I know Coelo's main point really is to keep fighting for our dreams or at least try to reach them regardless if we fail or not. Its actually a beautiful message. My point I guess is just this - do not let dreams own you. They can make you vain, corrupt or bitter. Instead, own your dreams and be at peace with the choices you make in your life.

Music, dreams and love.

Just came from a piano concert of Maam Luci and fellow students. It was so inspiring, I suddenly had the urge to go to the piano and practice seriously again. I particularly superliked the Bernstein West Side Story for 2 pianos. Panalo!! But man, the rhythm was HARD! Rhythmically challenging. Galing nila! I really wana study that piece. If I'm not meant for theater, I should at least be able to play the music! Haha.

Thats what I can't understand about myself. Its like I have love-hate relationship with piano. Sometimes I am moved so much by piano playing and there are times when I just want to vomit over the piano and bang it until I break a string. Right now, I think I've missed the feeling of breezing through the keys as I make breathtaking music.

My dad arrived from Ilo ilo today and I was happy to see him. He's not as strict as he was before with me ever since I graduated so I find it easier to live with him under one roof. Hahaha. Thank goodness for my diploma and medal! If thats all it serves me, that would very much suffice. I remember one time back in 3rd year college, I wanted to go to a friend's party but I didn't know how to ask permission from him. I figured since I felt old enough and I was already in college, I needn't ask anymore, just simply inform. And oh boy, little did I know how much it blew away my chances.

Me: Daddy...

Dad: oh?

Me: May party po yung friend ko mamayang gabi. Pupunta lang po ako dun.

Dad: ANONG PUPUNTA KA?!?! ABA! Bakit hindi ka na nagpapaalam *hysterical*

And the rest is history! You could only imagine what happened. HAHA

And theres a while lot more daddy stories like that from me! :)) I guess I can understand him because like him, I also have tendencies to be very praning, controlling and nerbyosa...so yeah, in that aspect, I can relate to him. I think I'll be somewhat like him when I have kids of my own. Poor innocent children...Hahah. Poor innocent husband also! LOL!


Anyway, I'm just glad he's (almost) over with that stage since I've graduated and he's actually very supportive with my plans for the future (which does not involve Madrigal and taking masters... x_x) Havent told him yet about those...We'll see.

So far, the things I am doing now are giving me fulfillment. Like conducting the girls in the choir, teaching piano and getting gigs every now and then. Hmm, I just don't know how long this artist life will last. I really have no idea. Right now, I'm just taking it one day at a time and trying to relish and enjoy every moment of it and simply going with wherever place it takes me. Kinda fun, but not all the time. There are days too, when I bum around and do nothing. Its kind of extreme really. Either I'm really busy with performances or I'm almost idle.

This year so far has been a year of dreams coming true. Graduation, Madz and having a choir of my own to train and conduct. The only thing that hasn't been fulfilled on my list is my dream to be part of a professional musical. I'm on the brink of giving up. Its totally different from the culture I was honed in - chorale world, classical piano and voice. Here, how you look is important. Aside from having the talent,you have to BE and LOOK the part - which I guess, if youre just starting off, is hard to find or create. I mean, you can't be casted in a play where they're looking for foreign looking people. Or how can you cast as a leading lady if you're ugly? Or if you're extremely fat? (unless siguro you're in Hairspray. hehe) Theater is a completely different world from music, though I must it has some similarities also. I have much to learn in that craft and I'd love to experience being part of a big production if given the chance. But if not, then maybe it just isn't for me. I don't know. I believe that if you have it, you have it. If you don't, well, you'd have to work extra extra to the nth power hard if you want it that much. Like in music, there are people who are just naturally tone deaf. There are those who try and manage to succeed in singing in tune. But you cant really expect them to be recording artists. Oh wait. That happens in the Philippines. LOL. Theres auto tune na rin pala like what that Rebecca Black did. Heheh. But thats not the point. Point is, well, you can only go so far with what God and nature has given you. There are some exceptions though. I guess the question really is, how far are you willing to go and risk to be that exception?


Gosh. Its only been half of the year and so much has happened. SO MUCH. It scares me and excites me at the same time to think about what awaits for the 2nd half of the year. Hopefully all will only get better from this point. :) Lets hope Mother Earth has calmed down and gives us more pleasant seasons the following months.

Which reminds me, I wonder how Japan is doing now. I really hope they are quickly recovering from the unbelievable calamity that happened last March. Makes you really value each person you love more and inspires you to be more compassionate and loving. Everyday is a blessing. My perspective changed dramatically ever since then. I try as much as possible to always show my love and care, specially to my family and friends, every chance I get. Coz really, you never know when its the end for you or for them.

Thats all for now. Ciao!

Confessions of a legally blind person

Im thinking if should I sleep with my contact lenses on again. I've been sleeping with it on for 2 consecutive nights, taking it off for a short while during the day. I know its a bad habit to form but I really hate waking up with literally everything a blur. I can't even read the time on the clock from my bed to save my life. Most of the time, I have trouble finding my glasses which have not been updated and replaced since 1st year college. Since that time, my eyesight has increased from -5.00 to -6.00. Yes, I am legally blind. If someone were standing three meters away from me, I wouldn't even be able to notice the a single pimple as large as a 25 centavo coin. I went to school a couple of times without my contacts and without glasses(since I couldnt find them) and you could only imagine how terribly funny that went! I had so many people I didn't recognize waving at me across the hallway or at the street. I'd only identify them through their voice which greeted my name. Thats when I would smile and greet back, but if I didn't hear their voices, I'd squint a little to make out who that image could be. If I can't, either I'll say out loud, "Who are you!?". If there were instances I didn't greet back or seemed snobbish, chances are, I didn't see you! :)) Sorry!

Now see why its such a bother to take my contacts off? I'm not sure what side effects it could do to harm my eyes though but so far, my eyesight is still as terrible as it has ever been before. Its not normal for me to have it off. It feels weird when my eyes tear up when I'm not wearing it. Could this be a sign of abnormality?

I envy people with 20-20 eyesight. I don't think I've ever experienced having that. Ever since I was a girl, I've had eyesight problems. I think it was because I purposely and secretly wore glasses of my parents or relatives so I could have my eyesight damaged in order to get my mom to buy me spectacles.  I was a scheming little brat and I always got what I wanted. And now, I'm suffering for it! :(

Now I almost don't care since Ive been so used to, I don't even feel and know what I'm missing out on. Except maybe when I go swimming; unless I have goggles on, I can't open my eyes underwater. I'd have to swim lapses with eyes closed - may sound bad at first but hey, this could be an advantage when you want to 'accidentally' bump into a sexy, toned, tanned, ab-fullicious swimmer. Unfortunately, I do not possess the audacity of slovenly promiscuous women.

Its also terrible and such a hassle when my contacts dry up and one of it suddenly falls out of my eye...or misplaced somewhere on the ball of my eye and I couldn't find it. I had a missing lens once and I was forced to go outdoors with only one contact lens which I pitifully placed on my left eye. Imagine, one eye with good vision and the other one half blind. It was disorienting and made me all dizzy . I felt so pathetic!! Like one of those loser careless dorks - lost, awkward and misunderstood (but always triumphs in the end...in movies at least.) . At the end of the day, I found out that it was in my eye all along, only hidden way up in the white part, beneath my eyelids.  I wonder what would've happened if I didn't find it soon enough. Lucky me.

Even though wearing contacts has its own disadvantages, I would say it still has more advantages than downsides to it. For one, it hides the fact that you're visually weak. Two, its more aesthetically pleasing to look at than wearing thick glasses. And three, its ultimate function of all - it aids my pauperized vision.

I wonder who invented contact lenses. I'd have to thank him or her a thousand folds. What would I do without it?! I'm so appreciative for the invention of lenses and contacts, I even made a poem about it back in college entitled, "The World is Such a Lovely Place".



I have never felt like this before
You came and brought back light into my eyes
The eyes that never see the little things
Eyes that look right through whats in front of me
Now I know this is how the world is
Never been so awed by it beauty
What life have i been living
Never getting enough sunshine
It was only you who could change my view
The perfect you who taught me the essence of a leaf to a tree
And the petal to the flower
And the ant marching in the antline
Or the letter E in the word SWEET
Tis' the gentle you who gave me confidence
To leap large distances without doubt
To run wild fields without falling
To hold my head up high
To smile to others without fettering
To know what is and what is not
It is only you who could give me this joy.
Without complain, you guide me
Though invisible you may seem to others
They do not know theres an angel
holding on to me tightly
Its you who opened the heart inside me
And brought back the spark in my eye
You're the miracle God has given
The answer to my desperate prayers
What will I do without you?
I'd fall on the grass which would be nothing but green
Everything would be a blur, abstractly senseless
What am I without you?
Insecure...
Unprotected...
Vulnerable...
Blind.
Thank God for you, my dear contact lenses...



How dorky can you get huh? 

Anyway, I have to go now. My eyes are tired  and sore from looking at the laptop and its 2 in the morning. I have to sleep unless I want my eyesight to break its record once again. 

Still wondering though if I have notifications in my FB. Maybe I'll peek for just a tinsywinsy while.


And still deciding if I should take these contacts off...


Maybe I should. I think I will. 

Musings

read in a blog somewhere that growing distant from God is not something we decide when we wake up one day.One day,you may find yourself being a devout follower of your religion and then as time passes, you find yourself questioning, but still attending services. Then as days, weeks, months or years continue to roll on, you still question but give up attending services or anything related to your religion in order to seek answers. The time will come when you're too busy to even realize you don't care anymore. You have drifted apart without even knowing it. The time when it doesn't matter.That is the day you thought would never happen during your devout im-ever-so-faithful days - you become an agnostic or an atheist or whatever, you probably wouldn't care at this point. You realize, "Hey, so this is how it is to be one. Its not so bad afterall. I used to think atheists and agnostics were bad people. People who did not see the 'light'. People who thought of themselves too intelligent for the concept of religion with nonsensical and childish traditions and rituals. People too smart for God." The day realize you are one, those people whom you thought were once "bad, sinful, evil, ungrateful, not-saved", aren't "bad, sinful, evil, ungrateful, not-saved" after all. They have just been misunderstood by fundamentalists and self righteous, hard core ostracizing and discriminating religions.The great irony of that becomes clear. Then when you come to know others with same perspectives, you come to terms with it and think, its not so bad. In fact, its not bad at all. I have my morals and I'm not hurting anyone. Why should there be a god in order to have and understand compassion and love and goodness? Why should you do good because you're afraid of a god who might send me to burn in hell? You want to do good not because you're scared, you want to do good because its right.

Most people don't grow out of relationships because they actively decided to one day. They grow out of it because without even knowing, they give it less and less attention as time passes. Circumstances like work, projects, school, performances, busy schedules happen. And when you meet again with someone you knew so well, if you meet and want to meet again, you're face to face with a complete stranger you could'nt care less about. Thats what happens with friendship. Or with lovers. With family. And even with God - if you still believe in one. One day, one finds oneself so distant from the people you used to care about, and realize, its ok. You've learned to live without them before you know it. Memories do not hold firm grip on you the way they once had. They would be just like skimming through pages of a boring text book you would only read once and forget about without even trying. And it makes you neither happy nor sad. Hey, its neither right nor wrong and its no ones fault. It just is. Thats life.. Right?

random thoughts

Watching great movies, reading books and making/listening to music are currently my avenues to life. I feel like I'm dead and numb inside and those are my life-supporters. Those are the things that make me feel life. I feel most alive when I'm enraptured by art and creativity. Too bad my life isn't too much to make art of.

Empty

For these past few months, even more so these past few recent weeks, ive been feeling so empty. Life seems to make no sense at all. You live, you give, you die. And the cycle goes on for those after you until probably the world ends. I feel like we're machines designed to make sense of everything, but the truth is, at least for me, we're just as insignificant as chemicals reacting to each other. Its also recently that I've thought about not having kids ever. I told this to my close friends and all of them seemed surprised that those words came out from me, being the kid lover that I am. I know its a weird perspective but I think that thats actually a loving thing to do. To not have kidsmeans I will spare them from suffering and emptiness. Imagine, they all would have to go through that same misery and hardship every human being goes through. I look at my nephews and nieces and all I see is the pain they will go through and the balancing act they have to maintain most of their lives in order to live a 'normal', 'happy' life. They'll live most of their lives trying to understand why, what they should do, what shouldve been, what should be, how to deal and cope with life. And in the end they die, like all of us will.

Its ironic though, as empty as I might feel, and even after surrendering to that emptiness, I've been crying more frequently nowadays when I watch movies I wouldn't normally cry over before. I wonder why. Its like I either feel too much or nothing at all. How come I am touched by movies and yet life itself does not seem to have a moving effect on me? Maybe I'm not as empty as I thought I was.

Here I go again analyzing too much.

...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference

hmmm

Ive been corrected by some people that the RH bill does not promote abortifacients. I was honestly disappointed by my parish because they gave away papers that listed the provisions of the bill and the first that was listed was  the liberal use of abortifacients - which I know  now is not entirely correct. It was a hasty generalization.


But Dra. Franco and Dr. Franco (yes my mom and kuya haha) have explained to me that certain contraceptives may act as abortifacients. Contraceptives such as the IUD or Intra uterine device. Its a device placed inside the uterus which releases hormones such as progesterone and copper which then kills sperm or makes them immobile. But should fertilization occur, it prevents implantation in the uterus.

http://www.americanpregnancy.org/preventingpregnancy/iud.html

Now if you believe that life starts the moment of conception -  the moment the egg is fertilized, wouldn't you say IUD also acts as an abortifacient since it prevents the fertilized ova from implantation?



This is the reason why I am against the RH bill, apart from the fact that harmful effects contraceptives may incur on Filipino women.

But one of main reasons why I am against it is I do not find it necessary for the state to spend millions and millions of our money on contraception. Millions will be spent so that the poor can enjoy safe sex (and they can have them all they want!)- but they will still remain poor and jobless - and will continue to have sex since they have nothing else better to do. This bill will not directly solve poverty. It would be wiser to use the millions for the livelihood of our people. More jobs, more opportunities for good education, less poverty, and perhaps less population. As said in a position paper I recently read, population is not an obstacle to development.


http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/upiansonrhbill/


http://iopposetherhbill.weebly.com/

On Art

Today I think I realized why I love performing/music/acting/singing so much. I realized that when one performs, one is able to be most vulnerable and real. Take for example, acting.Acting is probably more true than how one behaves in real life. You get to dig deep and find your most painful or happiest memory, cry your heart out over a heartbreak, do things you want but won't normally do, say what you've always been itching to say, get angry without inhibitions, shout without restrain and express what you cannot translate in words - only you channel these emotions and personal experiences through stories and characters. You draw from a memory and a situation thats related to the scene and from there, you must show how you really feel.Art may even open up a whole new range of emotional depth that one may not even have experienced in real life. And you know its 'ok' to do it because its just 'acting' and you can always tell that its not really you, but truth is more often than not, it is more you than the 'front' you project.

I guess the reason why most artists want people to watch their performances is because everyone is just dying to let themselves be heard, and most especially, be touched and also be an instrument of inspiration. In so many ways, theater, music, or art generally, allows us to meet that human desire. And it feels transcendent and inspiring - to you and your audience. You forget about everyone watching and release all your inhibitions. It is just you, your truth, heart and your art.

I get those moments when I'm singing with a great choir or when Im playing Brahms or Chopin alone on the piano or when Im the 'moment', enjoying and getting the groove of the music.

Art is a reflection of the true self, a reflection of the beauty of humanity.



"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for." - Dead Poets Society

Its all comin back, all comin back to me now...

Prof. Cheng just IMed me asking if I was interested in taking a masteral level for Piano literature with mr. Jourdann Petalver under Maam Luci Magalit.Apparently, they need piano students to open the class.  Seriously?


Masters?

Piano?

Me?

Next sem?

As in?





Someone kindly SHOOT ME if I even consider it. No kidding. I have a whole happy stress-free life ahead of me. :))

Cooking Pasta And Making Music.

I just finished cooking Creamy Spinach Fettuccini.

Hmm Im not sure if found it easy or difficult. I found it easy in a sense that I simply had to follow the instructions. Hard because I was very new at cooking and I have no sense of proper timing, heating, cutting etc. Im only starting to get the feel of it.

At first, the pasta tasted a bit bland, the white wine was a bit too strong and overall was just 'so-so' but then I realized I forgot to put nutmeg, salt and pepper! Haha. Wow, small ingredients even in small measurements really do make a big difference. The pasta suddenly became alive after I put it. My mom found it delicious but I personally think it could taste better.

If I were to compare it to music making, I would say tht I probably just sight read a Mozart piece with no musicality whatsoever. I felt like I just followed the instructions. Now I really get how cooking from the heart means. Its almost instinctively knowing what the perfect mixture should be without really sticking to the instructions word per word. Its tweaking it to make it your own flavor. Its getting the explosion of flavors perfectly based on what you feel is right. Its pakikiramdam... Its waiting patiently for the perfect time to splatter seasonings or to pour that heavy cream on to that sauteed garlic and onions. Above all its about enjoying the process, the passion and love you put into the process and its being inspired and reminded of who you are cooking for. Its so much like making music! You can have one piece of score but give it to different pianists, none of them would sound exactly the same. Each one has ones own attack at interpretation to it.

Just like any art, cooking needs practice if you want to improve. As a newbie in kitchen art, I have yet to learn how to cook from the heart. Ive so much to learn on how to get the right blend of flavors and mixtures. How to estimate timing to get an al dente, or to know if Ive sauteed long enough. Much to learn also about techniques on how to chop, grind, cut, pluck and clean. Hayayay. Cooking is not as easy as I thought it was. But I bet getting the finale product done perfectly is almost just as fulfilling as performing in a concert and getting a standing ovation afterwards. :)

Random

I was doing some grocery shopping @ Shoppersville for Creamy Spinach Fetticcine I was planning to make. I needed to buy white wine for cooking to complete the ingredients I needed.

I asked one of the assistance there if they had white wine for cooking.

He was looking and looking around the oil section and then asked me, "Maam, sigurado ko kayong oil po yun?"

White WINE nga e. Hahaha. San nanggaling yung oil!? :))

Mothers day thoughts

I've been thinking about what to write on my blog in line with mother's day. I find it quite hard to write about my love for my mom because it is beyond my writing abilities. I might even start crying while writing because I cannot comprehend how a woman such as her could have a tremendously beautiful heart and soul. My mom is my hero, my best friend, and my inspiration. I am proud to be her daughter and if given another life, I would choose her over and over again to be my mom. She is the best gift God has given me. I know I can do anything as long as I have my mother, Ma. Soccorro Vargas Franco, by my side. <3


Happy mothers day to all you mommys out there who have unconditional love for their children. The world salutes you.

Dream

The other night, I had another weird dream. It was a terrible dream, though I wouldn't really call it a nightmare. In the dream, I was having my first piano session with Maam Magalit. We were having lessons in our garage, where my old hand-me-down piano from my lola is located. In real life, the piano was destroyed by the 2009 supertyphoon, Ondoy. In my dream, it was working again.

Maam sat beside me, like how a traditional piano teacher would, and I was reading the Chopin Etude I've always wanted to learn for personal reasons - Etude Op. 10 no. 3 in E major "No Other Love". In the dream, the piece was in Bb and I could see the notes notated to the melody of the etude. I tried to play the notes but for some reason, nothing was coming out from the piano. I found myself unable to play a single note. Even if I knew how to read it, my fingers weren't working anymore. I remember being so embarrassed but Maam Luci remained undisturbed and calm.

She told me stop trying to playand explained something which I seemed to have understood very well in the dream but now, awake, left me a bit confused. She said something like, "when you play a piece, you don't listen to it first, and you do not think of the composer. You should not check the background of the composer. You should just play exactly whatever is written on the piece. If you play it correctly, it will sound like Chopin even if you don't know the composer." And I'm like, "ok ok, i get it."



Hmmmm....

I want to make magic

I will be back to playing classical piano again. I think this time, I will enjoy it more, now that the pressure is off. Thats how music is supposed to be anyway - enjoyed and appreciated. I'm more inspired now to improve my technique because I want to be able to play challenging and beautiful pieces I've always wanted to play. Not because I have an exam at the end of the sem. First piece I'm working on in my list - Chopin Etude Op.10 no. 3 in E major "No Other Love". Fell in love with music the first time I heard it.

Apart from piano, I am rekindling my love for musical theater. I'm giving it a shot this summer. My heart has always been there and I think its about time I immerse myself more in that craft.


During our trip to Batangas, I realized, all I really want to do is express stories, emotions, beauty, wonder and make people smile, laugh, cry and sigh - whether by talking, singing, chorales, conducting, playing piano or acting. The problem with me is choosing what art I should take really seriously. I want to master a particular craft. Im still in the stage of exploration. Hoping I will find my niche soon. Nevertheless, I am more or less content with how things are going with my life so far. I'm able to do what I love to do and continue to improve on it and nothing can hold me back except for myself.


I am living a passionate life.

I love being a musician. :)

I am starting see the good effects of pursuing a degree in music. I just got my first official job as the new conductor/trainer of the Liturgical Choir in MCHS and assistant trainer/pianist in MCHS Glee! I've always wanted to conduct an all female choir. :) Happy happy joy joy!

Anyhoo, have to go, still have to pack up for the Batangas trip tomorrow. Its a 5 day chorale workshop for UP Cherubim. Wen and I are playing the piano for them. I love being a musician. Here we come, Batangas! :D

The bitch of living

I am such a bitch. Last night, my mom woke me up in the middle of my sleep to tell me that the Madz were on TV. I hate being waken up specially nowadays when I have trouble sleeping. I got into a fight with her this morning because of that. Now thinking about it, all she just wanted was for me to see the Madz interview thinking that I might be really interested since they were my friends. Now I just feel so bad for making her wrong. Its official, I am a bitch and anyone who crosses my path is bound for a taste of some bitchiness. I hate myself.

Pls txt bck! Ty!

I get annoyed when people don't reply to text messages. Specially when I'm enthusiastic about something or if I have a question or message that require a reply. In some cases, when I feel that the person is  insensitive and inconsiderate, I deliberately do not reply to their messages when they text me so they know how it feels to be ignored. You know,those people that only text when they need something from you. Don't you find that extremely annoying?!

I think we've all been guilty of this. Haha. I admit, I have been guilty of not responding to texts and I pretty much know almost every reason and excuse (true or invented) that people come up with.

Here were (are) some of my reasons:

1. I don't know the answer to the question they asked
2. I'm annoyed
3. My keypads are not working properly (this is really true. There was a time I couldn't text properly because the number 5 and 6 weren't working.)
4. I'd think of texting later so I can think of a proper reply but later on, i forget about it.
5. I'd think of replying later since I'm busy but then forget to since I was probably stressed out.
6. Unknown numbers especially with messages like "Hellow powhz? Muztah nuh?"
7. I was asleep and the text woke me up then I'd forget to reply later on because I thought it was a dream.
8. I feel that the text does not demand a reply.
9. Texts that try to start a conversation like, "Musta na?", specially when I'm not close to the person.
10. Too tired to reply
11. Too lazy to think of what to reply
12. If my answer if "No"
13. If I didn't receive the message. (Though I usually don't buy this excuse from people and I go "Yeah right!" but its happened to me before so I guess yeah, could happen to others as well! Lol.)
14. If its a general message - quote/reminder/announcement.
15. My cellphone line got cut./no load.
16. Low/dead batt
17. Emergency

That sums up all my excuses. I know, some can be quite insensitive. And I know that whatever excuse I have, it wouldn't change the fact that I did not reply and that I may have offended or annoyed people.  I know how it feels to not be replied to and it definitely does not feel good. Actually, most of the time its annoying for me. For one, you anticipate an answer (that may be important to you) which you don't get. Two, you feel insignificant and ignored. And because I really hate feeling that way, I made a promise to myself that I will reply to texts that demand a response. Except when theres Reason # 2, 6, 8, 13, 14,15, 16, 17. I can also accept those reasons from other people as well. But other than that, I'd assume you're dead or you probably don't care or you just don't want to reply. If your text is really important, I promise to find another way to reply, whether by borrowing another cellphone or by via email or FB. If I get low/dead batt, I will reply as soon as I get to charge my phone. And I promise to do my best not to forget to reply. Hahaha!

I've realized that its not only proper but very important to reply to people. First and foremost, it shows respect. Much like remembering people's names, it also makes people feel valued. It makes people know that you have time for them and that you value their effort and time to text and their 1 peso which they spent in order to text you. And if you honestly don't care about that, reply anyway because it might mean a lot to them. :) Imagine not replying to someone on the verge of suicide! You'd have to live with that forever! Reply to make people feel valued. If you don't want to, at least reply for you. Reply to gain trust and reliability. Reply for your likability. Reply to gain points for charisma!



And if you still do not care about those things and you genuinely don't give a damn,


!@#$##@!@#$%$%^%^$$#@^&*7889123#Toot%&*^$%%^&
@#$tooot$&*^$**%^FFYUY$%^^%&*&^FFFF@#$%#$%^^%&
!!!!!!!!!!!@#$$%^#^%&^&*^&*&^*(&*(tooot^*&(*(&&*(*()(*123
^&*12@@@$%#%tooot^%%&*(&(*^&^%&*^%(*&^)(*&)(*&*(&^&*^%*&^%*&^&*(
%^&%^&*^T(*^&*()&)(*&)(*&U)_(*U(*&^&*^RUYIGFtootJHVBG&^TR*%R^&TYUGHRTTFYYUGVHJK^&*%*&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

REPLY TO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!


hahahaha joke lang.

  

but seriously, it really kind of disappointing when you don't get the response you expect and deserve, don't you think?

So for people who hate replying,

let us show value and consideration to others and be reminded that

Effective communication is at the tip of our fingers! 

Or at the tip of our tongue...



...
...
...
...
...
...
...

LITERALLY!!!






 May we all reply to people who expect a reply!
(except if they're your enemies, stalkers, and people you don't know)



Read. React. Respect. Reply.

Gym

I'm thinking if I should subscribe to the new Gold's Gym in Katipunan. It costs 14,500 for 15 months if I subscribe within March. The promo includes unlimited access to all equipment and group sessions like pilates, yoga, spinning, belly dancing, street dancing etc. Should I? Would it be worth it? It would cost around 900 something per month. Decisions decisions...

Raininets! Gimme!

Im craving for raisinets. I went to shoppersville awhile ago but until now, they still don't have any stock. Its been almost a year! Then my craving went as far as walking all the way to Rustans. But only to find that they didn't sell raisinets that come in small packages, only the ones in the large bags. Boo. I bought a hershey bar instead, but thats nowhere close. :( I must be pms-ing. I've been feeling kind of down today for no particular reason.

Getting Fit

Man, I really need to get back to jogging. But honestly, I'm too lazy to jog nowadays. Though there are times its fulfilling and rejuvenating, there are also times I find it really tiring. :( Maybe I'll just brisk walk or swim. Need to get fit and fab!! Project sexiness this summer!

Madness of March

March is one of the most critical months of a student's life. It is the defining and pivotal month where students prove they actually learned and developed something. I've been seeing so many statuses in facebook about stress, sickness, procrastination, recitals, exams, tiredness, stress, stress, stress, time constraint and stress again. Now that I'm done with college, sadistic as it may sound, I find those statuses somewhat amusing. Why? Because I know how it feels, I've been there time and again for the most of my life and now, I am relishing the absence of it in my life and it feels so good. And I know those people who are ranting about stress, exams and whatnots, I am certain they will feel this kind of freedom I am feeling once they are done. If I were still in school cramming for my piano exams, papers, written exams, I'd probably be working my ass off now, maybe even crying, ranting and thinking about quitting (yes, the thought of quitting and giving up occurs to me every sem.) Now, I'm so thrilled I am finally done with college and I can honestly say, I do not miss the workload and performance anxieties at all.

Sometimes I feel like so much time was wasted in college. Like I just finished it to get my diploma that I could present to society and say "Hey, I graduated from UP College of Music with honors! Hire me, I'm good!" But the truth is, it really doesn't mean anything. Sure, to some extent it will show prove and show your capabilities, work ethic and knowledge but it does not define who you are and what you can or cannot do. And it should never, i mean NEVER limit you to creating other possibilities for yourself. I believe most people can do anything they want to do, even without a college degree. All you need is to be immersed in the field of your interest and learn from there. And of course, a pint of boldness and courage.The problem is though, in our society, more often than not, you will not be immersed in any profession of some caliber unless you have a diploma to present. Its a shame. You don't need to go to college to prove that you can do whatever it is you want to do. Except probably of course for those who want to be doctors, architect, engineers, lawyers. But hey, just because you're not attending med or law school doesn't mean you can't learn those things.  Look at Dr. Vivien Thomas or the guy from "Catch Me if You Can". I'm not saying college is useless, in fact, it is very important specially in our society. My point is, hmmm whats my point? Ah! 1. You can do anything you want and 2. College isn't everything. Cliche as it may sound, what you really need to learn in life are not only confined inside the 4 walls of a classroom.


But yeah, thinking about it, I still do appreciate college in a sense that I know I will never become penniless and hungry, unless by choice. It does open a lot of windows and doors of opportunities for you but it shouldn't keep you from opening (and maybe even creating!) other windows and doors. 

According to Mommy

My mom and I were having a conversation about the radiation leak of the nuclear powerplants in Japan. She was explaining to me the effects if these radiations were exposed to people. I thought, maybe this could be the start of the end of the world and from this point, we could very well be in a downward spiral! X(

I told my mom, "Ma, alam mo yung Mayan Civilization, the ones who were able to predict the dates of important historical accounts like the assasination of A. Lincoln,the Sept. 11 attack? They predicted that the exact date when human civilazation would end would be Dec 21, 2012. They predicted the world will end with a great flood."

"Ah talaga? Naku, nakakatakot. The radiation, if its really strong, is very fatal and can also alter the human DNA. People may be born freaks. Possibleng end na yun ng human civilization.", my mom said.

I pleaded dramatically, "NOOOOOO!!! I have a whole life ahead of me!! I don't want to dieeeeee,Mammeh!!!!"


Then my mom responded,


"Kaya magpiano ka na ng magpiano at kumanta ka na ng kumanta!"






Ha?

They Cant That Away From Me

To the love of my life: I would like to fall in love with you as adoringly as this song. This song is for you, where ever you are. :)

The way you wear your hat
The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
No they can't take that away from me

The way your smile just beams
The way you sing off key
The way you haunt my dreams
No they can't take that away from me

We may never never meet again, on that bumpy road to love
Still I'll always, always keep the memory of

The way you hold your knife
The way we danced till three
The way you changed my life
No they can't take that away from me

Today March 3 , 2011

I just got off the phone.

Oh gosh, what did I just get myself into. This is not me. Its hard for me to say yes to opportunities most of the time without giving it much thought. But what the heck! I don't want to think anymore.

My hands are still cold from all the nerves I've been piling up since the other day but at least my heart rate is slowing down now.

Ok, calm down. Breathe. Its all good.



I guess since I've been dying to have some excitement in my life, this should be a good start. Anythings a good start for a bum like me...except when we have rehearsals. or performances. or when I have harangs from time to time. or...well i guess I'm not a BUM bum after all. I'm a proud music bum! Yeh. I'm very thankful that I have something to get my butt out of the house, to look forward to and to more or less make my time useful and productive. Though, I have to admit that there are some days when I plainly have nothing to do but to sit around the house all day, and do exactly what every bum does best - watch tv, sleep, facebook, eat, pray, BLOG. Lol.

Like right now. No rehearsals later, no nothing, no kidding. Except for that jazz bar I'm going to tonight but thats still subject to change according to my mood. Other than that, my schedule today is as empty as my heart. Thankfully not yet my pocket!


Speaking of pockets, my harang stint the other day at Shangri la went pretty well. Imagine a fairly large, elegant, blue-motif function room filled with senior big-time doctors!(apparently, it was the President's Night awarding of the association of pulmonologists). It was so cool, I felt like if I had a heart and asthma attack combined on the spot, my chances of survival would still be around 99%. Woohoooooo!

In gatherings such as this, it would be a surprise if I recognized anyone. I am so out of the medical who-is-who roundabouts and have no plans whatsoever to be immersed in the field. The only doctors I really know are the doctors in my family. And Dr. Verilla, who was my doctor when I had a minor surgery back in 1st year college. And I don't even know his 1st name. Oh and Dra. Vicky Bello, Dr. Patch Adams and Dr. Phil, if they count.

Having said that, you could only imagine how surprised I was to see someone I knew walk into the venue! I saw Ermine Banares, my co-alto partner in crime back in MCHS Glee Club, and whom I haven't see since she graduated which was around 6-7 years ago! Gosh I feel so old. Anyway, I was sooo sooo sooo pleased to see her again! My god has she changed! She looked so feminine and mature - her hair smoothly tied back, wore black high heels, spectacles, paired with her white med-student uniform. She looked so poised, prim and proper. But the moment I yelled, "Hoy bakla!!" as I walked towards her, she looked at me and exclaimed, "HOY!", gave me a big hug and...well, you could say the image shattered and she became once again the Ermine I used to know. Apparently, she was there since her mom was a member of the association. Too bad we weren't able to talk long enough to catch up on each other but hopefully, MCHS Glee would have a reunion soon. People have been talking about it since I don't know when but this better actualize before the year ends or else! Hahaha.

Good ol' high school days. The best years which was born out of being in the Glee Club. It was also there where my penchant for choral singing grew. I am glad of what I've become now and where I am heading. I am thankful for what I've learned in UP and I am excited to learn and improve myself more beyond the confines of the institution. I think one of the most exciting times in one's life is when one is fresh out of college, free to explore the world and all its possibilities. At the same time, because there are so much possibilities, one sometimes gets stuck because of confusion and indecision. At least thats for my case. I think I'm sort of in between.

Thats why I should make a conscious effort to just do EVERYTHING I want to do, experiment and not be afraid of trying out new unchartered things. Thus, the phone call awhile ago.

What was it about?



Secret.



Wait and see until things turn out for the best.


Until my next blog entry!

This is how im feeling

When I hear extremely passionate and touching music, my drive to write poetry is that of a young lover. I find it so amazing how music can make you feel emotions you've long forgotten or perhaps haven't even experienced yet. Sometimes it makes you feel like a new person, it makes you feel good, it somehow knows exactly what you are feeling, it transports you in emotional depths you may not even have experienced in life.


With a pen in my right hand and a poetry notebook , I scribble words and phrases in attempt to bridge my own words to an enchanting piece. Then to only realize that my verbal capability does not suffice in order match the splendor of the music. Music, a lot like love, can never be perfectly described. Words can only take you so far but is never enough. They both speak for themselves and to fully understand both music and love, one must be immersed in them. So I altogether abandon my attempt to write any sort of 2nd rate, banal, amateur poem as it might even desacralise the glory of the melodies. That is why, instead, I am posting this video of one of the obras that has taken my breath away. I could only hope you will be moved as much as I have been. (whoever you are...if theres anyone out there)

No day but today.

Sometimes, I feel like I live more in my mind rather than in the physical world. Nowadays, I'd rather be alone, watching other people, writing, reading, rehearsing or thinking. I kind of prefer that way because when I'm in social gatherings or in a big crowd, specially loud ones, I tend to detach and be inside my own bubble. Just yesterday, Bianca told me that maybe I shouldn't think and analyze too much and that I should just let go and do whatever I want to do. Yeah, I guess I should. But what scares me is that I'd honestly rather live in my own mind than be around many people other than my really close friends. But you know, even now, when I'm around friends, I find it hard to squeeze out a conversation since I really have nothing to talk about. I guess I've said the things I've always wanted to say over many cups of coffee or booze with those people and until now, those are still the same things. I figure theres really no point in talking about it over and over again. I feel like I've detached from the world and my only avenue to the lives of others is via facebook, blogging and internet. It doesn't really give me all that satisfaction but I it would suffice. Theres really nothing to say to people.

So what do I always talk about before?

I loved to talk about the future. Like what I'll be doing after college, or this year, or next year and the year after and what I'll be doing when I'm 30. Stuff like that. I used to talk about auditioning for plays,  applying for a scholarship in Europe or in the USA, learning how to drive (im honestly scared!). Until now, I haven't done any of those and it kind of depresses me but I try to ignore it and just be present in the moment and go with the flow so as to not get upset. I am certain I will get there. Now, I hate planning or making new years resolutions. Maybe by just being present in the moment, I'll be able to move forward more, rather than plan and anticipate. Anticipation ruins the present moment. I kind of like it this way, going where the wind takes me. Thats why I think the life of an artist really suits me. Like now in Madrigal, I sort of enjoy the thrill of having different performance and  schedules every oth week, of not knowing where I'll be. I could actually live like this. No worries of yesterday nor tomorrow.




Or maybe I'm just too lax...



Sheesh, right now I don't and shouldn't care. I'm young and still figuring things out. I just hope I figure it out soon.




For now, its no day but today.