No day but today.

Sometimes, I feel like I live more in my mind rather than in the physical world. Nowadays, I'd rather be alone, watching other people, writing, reading, rehearsing or thinking. I kind of prefer that way because when I'm in social gatherings or in a big crowd, specially loud ones, I tend to detach and be inside my own bubble. Just yesterday, Bianca told me that maybe I shouldn't think and analyze too much and that I should just let go and do whatever I want to do. Yeah, I guess I should. But what scares me is that I'd honestly rather live in my own mind than be around many people other than my really close friends. But you know, even now, when I'm around friends, I find it hard to squeeze out a conversation since I really have nothing to talk about. I guess I've said the things I've always wanted to say over many cups of coffee or booze with those people and until now, those are still the same things. I figure theres really no point in talking about it over and over again. I feel like I've detached from the world and my only avenue to the lives of others is via facebook, blogging and internet. It doesn't really give me all that satisfaction but I it would suffice. Theres really nothing to say to people.

So what do I always talk about before?

I loved to talk about the future. Like what I'll be doing after college, or this year, or next year and the year after and what I'll be doing when I'm 30. Stuff like that. I used to talk about auditioning for plays,  applying for a scholarship in Europe or in the USA, learning how to drive (im honestly scared!). Until now, I haven't done any of those and it kind of depresses me but I try to ignore it and just be present in the moment and go with the flow so as to not get upset. I am certain I will get there. Now, I hate planning or making new years resolutions. Maybe by just being present in the moment, I'll be able to move forward more, rather than plan and anticipate. Anticipation ruins the present moment. I kind of like it this way, going where the wind takes me. Thats why I think the life of an artist really suits me. Like now in Madrigal, I sort of enjoy the thrill of having different performance and  schedules every oth week, of not knowing where I'll be. I could actually live like this. No worries of yesterday nor tomorrow.




Or maybe I'm just too lax...



Sheesh, right now I don't and shouldn't care. I'm young and still figuring things out. I just hope I figure it out soon.




For now, its no day but today.