On Trust and Blending in.

Today, it was my first time to perform with Madz at CCP for Finale production of the Pasinayan Festival. We sang "Mi Ultimo Adios" written by Jose Rizal and set to music by Ryan Cayabyab. It was a really fiery piece which sort of sounded like Orff's Carmina Burana - characterized by agitated rhythmic bass droned patterns on a tensed minor chord shifting to major towards the a grandioso end. Relatively, it was an easy piece to sightread since the notes were quite predictable and close to each other and the time signature was in 3-4 throughout the whole piece. There a couple of tricky syncopations though which was quite hard to sing with spanish text if one didnt study it carefully.

It was only an hour before the performance when we rehearsed with the orchestra. During rehearsal,as soon as the orchestra started the intro, I looked at my own score to see what part they were playing. I started counting on my own, following the notes where the winds and violins played, confident I would be able to enter on my first note.Just almost right before we were about to enter, I lost count and I got lost with in the 8th notes runs. I tried to catch where the orchestra was but as soon as I figured out where they were, I already missed my entrance and heard the choir start. I caught up with them and told myself I'm going to keep counting or else I might not be able to enter again. So thats what I did. I counted but for some reason, even though I counted, I kept entering either a split second early or late. I figured there must be something wrong either with me or the orchestra. But knowing that everyone in the orchestra, including the conductor, are very highly esteemed and experienced musicians, obviously, it was ME. Haha. There was something I wasn't doing right. I sang my parts, I counted, I looked at the orchestral lines while they were playing but still, I wasn't getting my entrances right.

On the actual performance, I just gave up on counting on my own and told myself, "screw the counting, I'm just going to look at the conductor and trust him to give the cue." And you know what, I realized, all I had to do was look at the conductor and trust him. I was not only able to enter on exact beat of every entrance, I also felt more 'oneness' with the whole ensemble. Sometimes, I have this tendency to row my own boat alone and forget that I'm working with a group. Even in groupworks, I usually try to take lead so I can be in control, doubtful of groupmates that might let down. Sometimes, I end up doing all the work because I don't trust others enough to deliver. But I realized, in cases such as this, so as in life generally, I have to learn how to trust people more. As a leader, you have to trust your followers. And just as important, as a follower, you have to trust your leader.

The moment you start counting on your own, you aren't one with the group anymore, you are following your own pulse and not the conductor's. In a way, that shows lack of trust in one's leader and because you go solo flight, afraid you might make mistakes, afraid the conductor might make mistakes. And because of that, one sometimes becomes the little pest of the performance that could have been perfect if only one followed.

I think the problem is sometimes, because we think we already know, we become too confident of ourselves. Like for example, we neglect to follow the advice of our parents because we just think they're too 'praning' or overly protective. Then only to find out later, they were right. And sometimes, these mistakes affect our whole lifetime and cannot be undone. The truth is, there are so much things we haven't experienced that they have. I am not saying to always follow without questioning. My point is, it is also wise to follow the words of the experienced.

This realization also applies to the leaders we elect. When we vote, we have to make sure that those who we want to put in office are credible and most importantly, trustworthy enough because we will be following them. I've read in an article, one of the significant attributes of a successful country is a government trusted by its citizens. 1st world countries such as Denmark, Australia, Norway, New Zealand and Switzerland all share this same attribute. Whats happening to our country is, because our government is corrupt, everyone is rowing their own boat, going in different directions, going out of the country, resorting to illegal businesses, making their own non government organizations etsetera etsetera. We need trustworthy leaders whom we will respect and follow. We need to be on the same page as everyone else in order to progress as a country.

It is good to march to the beat of your own drum but, let us not forget that we are social beings too who happen to partake and affect society. If you start marching to your own beat, you'll be out of sync with the music and might end up destroying the beauty of the obra maestra. Insisting on what you believe in on others, saying tactless things which might offend the majority, believing that you are always right, disturbing peace. Sometimes, if you know you're not going to be able to influence with your beliefs anyway, the best thing to do is just keep quiet and tolerate others or else, people just might end up shutting you up. It is good to express opposing opinions, but in a respectful way that does not offend nor look down on other people's beliefs. In musical terms - wag kang mangibabaw kung iba ang nota at timing mo sa grupo. Hehe.

I guess as humans who have out own experiences and minds, we, more often than not, think our beliefs are always right. Like how I thought my counting was right just because I had a score with me, or how foolish teens think they're always right because they're experiencing raging emotions and no one understands them. Or like how atheists are right because theres always science to make sense out of life. The truth is, we are not always right and it takes a great deal of character to acknowledge that.

It is always good to be reminded that whether you like it or not, in order to survive, you will always work with groups - be it in choirs, family, workplace, community, class, society, country. Everyday, you become a follower and a leader and encounter other leaders and followers as well. But please, if you're going to be a follower, be a good follower. Sometimes, people choose to follow just because its less burden (which really is I guess), and passively obey whatever command the leader says. Being a good follower means being concerned with the rest of the group and not only oneself. It means questioning, asking, voicing out opinions if you think the leader may be mistaken. It means taking initiative. Not sloppily lying around and waiting for orders. But I guess if there are good leaders, there are good followers. So leaders especially must learn how to trust the wisdom, skills, talents and capabilities of other people.

Above all, I believe it is most important to trust our ultimate leader - our Creator. Sometimes, we may get lost, we might not know where we are and doubt if there is even a plan. We might even believe we know where we are and where we should be going. But regardless, it is good to look up to the Conductor of life from time to time - to be reminded He is guiding us even if we think life doesn't make sense and to check if we're on the right path and singing the right tune at the right time.

The actual performance of "Mi Ultimo Adios".